Motherhood feels different to every mom. To me it felt like a tempest. If you have read my last post or the ‘About Me‘ section here, you must be aware why. I wasn’t forced to be a mom but it wasn’t my first choice either. Dealing with pregnancy was simpler and I had a relatively easy pregnancy but dealing with the baby was the real thing.
Initial days are a blur now but I still remember not being able to bond with her. She was a mostly calm baby (still is) but I was anything but calm. I was quite stressed with this new addition and a long list of responsibilities. I didn’t want to see her in any kind of trouble and did everything for her but there was no peace of mind. I called myself a stuck-at-home-mom (I still do).
My husband supported a lot and continues to do so. He knew my feelings and always tried to calm me. I became even more short tempered and sometimes shouted on the baby though I knew that it was the worst thing to do.
But you know what? I used to take a lot of pictures of Idhaya and looking at them always made me smile. I realized that if the pictures can make me this happy, the baby can make me happier and all I do is sulk.
Little things like this made me fall more in love with her. I just thought that however reluctant, I am a mom now so why lose the opportunity to be a better one? Why not give her the most amazing childhood which is not just about buying the best I can afford!
Now that Idhaya is older and more responsive, I am really enjoying this phase. This is probably the best one before she grows up and becomes smarter. She babbles a lot, she crawls around like crazy, she smiles a little too much (she has a cute dimple on her left cheek like her Papa) and the most amazing thing is the way her face lights up on seeing me. She is always genuinely happy to see me, no scope for pretense there.
All these mushy feelings aside, I am still coming to terms with having her in my life but I don’t want her to suffer because of that.
These are the thoughts of a new mom. What are your thoughts on motherhood? I would love to know.
The Reluctant Mom18