How I Dealt with Motherhood as a Reluctant Mom?

Motherhood feels different to every mom. To me it felt like a tempest. If you have read my last post or the ‘About Me‘ section here, you must be aware why. I wasn’t forced to be a mom but it wasn’t my first choice either. Dealing with pregnancy was simpler and I had a relatively easy pregnancy but dealing with the baby was the real thing.

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Initial days are a blur now but I still remember not being able to bond with her. She was a mostly calm baby (still is) but I was anything but calm. I was quite stressed with this new addition and a long list of responsibilities. I didn’t want to see her in any kind of trouble and did everything for her but there was no peace of mind. I called myself a stuck-at-home-mom (I still do).

My husband supported a lot and continues to do so. He knew my feelings and always tried to calm me. I became even more short tempered and sometimes shouted on the baby though I knew that it was the worst thing to do.

But you know what? I used to take a lot of pictures of Idhaya and looking at them always made me smile. I realized that if the pictures can make me this happy, the baby can make me happier and all I do is sulk.

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Little things like this made me fall more in love with her. I just thought that however reluctant, I am a mom now so why lose the opportunity to be a better one? Why not give her the most amazing childhood which is not just about buying the best I can afford!

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Now that Idhaya is older and more responsive, I am really enjoying this phase. This is probably the best one before she grows up and becomes smarter. She babbles a lot, she crawls around like crazy, she smiles a little too much (she has a cute dimple on her left cheek like her Papa) and the most amazing thing is the way her face lights up on seeing me. She is always genuinely happy to see me, no scope for pretense there.

All these mushy feelings aside, I am still coming to terms with having her in my life but I don’t want her to suffer because of that.

These are the thoughts of a new mom. What are your thoughts on motherhood? I would love to know.

Love

The Reluctant Mom18

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Why Am I A Reluctant Mom?

So here are few words that will give you many ideas about my #momlife. I was never too keen on having kids or at least biological kids. I got married to a very nice man and we decided to have kids after 2-3 years of marriage. But me being me, I simply was not ready to bring a life in this world and so 6 years went by.

My husband aka Mr. RTM18 was like- please, let’s have a baby so finally I decided to grant his wish. We got pregnant soon after and those 9 months were so difficult for me. Not just physically but also mentally as I was not really interested. I was working as a Social Media Manager and Content Writer then but took a break to focus on myself.

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Anyway, the baby arrived in March 2017 and as expected, I was not overwhelmed with joy and all those motherly feelings. My only solace was that it was a girl. I took the best care of her but still mostly because I had to. I loved her but didn’t feel much of a connection. There was the need to get my identity back so I joined my job back (work from home) by the time she turned 3 months old.

As Baby I started growing, it became increasingly difficult to manage things. It was also the time when I started bonding with her rather than thinking of her just as a responsibility. So, I finally quit in December 2017.

Now all my time is hers and I get a maximum of 2 hours to myself and that time comes with a long to-do list. Not giving much importance to the chores, I mostly focus on relaxing during this me-time. I read, watch movies and shows & browse the world wide web to unwind.

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At the same time, there are so many thoughts in my head and also lurking is the feeling that my life is drastically changed. I miss the pre-baby days. I have been through a lot of much stress post baby. There is so much more that I will keep sharing. The Reluctant Mom18 is my way of venting as I don’t like to write on paper anymore (perils of the previous job).

Watch out for a lot more which will be about my ideas of parenting, my weird thoughts, life of a regular Indian mom, baby stuff et al.

Love

The Reluctant Mom18

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